What does NLP offer for Social Skills

NLP can teach us how we speak to people at every level of consciousness

Okay maybe this NLP stuff might sound a bit strange, the idea of speaking at every level of consciousness. Actually, it's very simple because NLP is very logical.

Most of the time, we socialise in automatic ways. People who have difficulties socialising have been doing the same things in social situations for years, or avoided those situations completely. Meanwhile people who are excellent at socialising have also learnt habits. But their habits work more effectively making them feel good when they're mixing with other people.


We all have habits of speaking, gesturing, using our voice in a familiar way, using our favourite words and phrases. Whether we are good at it or not we mostly do it unconsciously. Even if you feel self-conscious, you do self-consciousness automatically - I mean it's not like you would ever consciously choose to feel self-conscious, would you? It's a habit.

The truth is you will socialise more easily and more often if you develop greater flexibility in how you feel, the state you are in and the way you express yourself. And as you learn you find it becomes a new habit, a good habit, working easily and naturally without having to think about it, feeling good and enjoying yourself.

How we make others feel good when we socialise confidently

We all communicate unconsciously as well as consciously. What we say with our words, phrases, voice tone, body language, facial expression, even with our breathing usually occurs outside conscious awareness and is received outside of the listener's consciousness. The listener notices all of it, but they don't exactly know what it is they are noticing as they draw conclusions about you.

NLP teaches you what is being noticed and felt unconsciously, how people draw those conclusions about you, as they watch and listen. You can discover what it is they are actually hearing, which might not always be what you had thought you were saying.

And this is another fundamentally important aspect to unconscious communication - the unconscious listening, reading, receiving and processing of communication. Whenever you speak to another person, verbally or non-verbally, they will always filter what you say to match their own expectations, their own model of the world, their own beliefs, their own structure of thinking.

The meaning of your communication is the response you get. Wouldn't it be great if you had more control over those responses, so you express what you mean to be understood.

NLP offers you insights and understanding about the way this filtering process works, giving you greater skill in grasping the thinking structures of others, translating your communication to more easily match their filtering processes, to be better understood within their model of the world.

Saying what you mean, meaning what you say

How many times have you seen somebody say one thing and yet you feel certain they mean something else? Have you considered you might be doing that too? And have you wondered how somebody just doesn't seem to hear what you say even though you feel your words were well considered, rehearsed and very clear?

And have you ever enjoyed one of those connections with somebody where you just seem to click straight away? Everything you hear them say seems to resonate, you see yourself becoming at ease with them immediately and feeling comfortable and relaxed.

Achieving those kind of connections can happen more often and more easily with some basic use of NLP skills and techniques. And the good thing about learning this stuff is how it enhances what you already do well, it enables you to be the best version of yourself.

Being in the right state

This is not just about communication either. You can also learn better control over your emotional and mental states. It is usually easier to relate to others when you feel calm and relaxed or when you see yourself being motivated and having fun. You can develop this skill too, which enhances those relationships immediately.